Now, you'd think as someone who works in broadcasting, I would be excellent in communicating, and in fact, I am. But when it comes to dating and relationships, I wasn't always, and it is sometimes still a struggle for me.
I'm not talking about the typical "wait until 2 days after the date before calling" communication. That, is honestly, a pretty dumb rule. I'm not sure who made it or why, but really... can we all agree that it's dumb and move past it? If you like someone, call them/text them/whatever you do, just get in touch.
For some reason, when it comes time to initiate (or even just be a part) of one of "those" conversations (you know what I mean - any of the ones that you actually have to think about whether you want to talk about them, before you actually do. Hah!) ... I revert back to the girl who gets called on in class, when she doesn't have her hand up, and she doesn't have the answer. My face goes red. My ears feel hot. I just want this moment to be over.
Maybe it stems from being the youngest child in the family, and feeling like my opinion was never called upon, because I was just the baby? Who knows. Someone with a psychology degree, maybe. But either way, I know I suck at it, and I've been trying to change it.
But, the worst part is that most guys are the same way (at least, the ones I've dated in the past!). Normally, women are supposed to be the big communicators and initiators of conversations. But if I'm avoiding, and he's avoiding... eventually I'm pretty sure that will lead to an explosion. And the tiniest of issues ends up being a bigger deal than it ever should have been in the first place.
And then at the same time, most guys (and some girls) hate it when a woman (or man) brings up every single tiny issue that arises - overcommunication can be just as deadly! Especially if it's a phone call every 5 minutes. Sorry, I have work to do! No time for that!
So, how do you find the balance? Is there some way to reconcile the technological side with the more personal approach? Are you a communicator or an avoider? Got any tips for me?
Good part two!
ReplyDeleteThe two day rule (isn't it three?) is kind of stupid and, in my opinion, kind of rude. "I had such a wonderful time with you last night that I'm going to go out of my way to completely avoid you absolutely for at least the next several days."
But I think the rule IS there out of necessity. Ladies LIKE the mystery, the intrigue, the will-he-or-won't-he-call drama. They don't like knowing the guy doesn't have anything better to do than call immediately and/or repetitively, the clinginess it implies, nor the desperation it supposedly conveys. You also run the risk of knowing Too Much, Too Soon.
That's one of the reasons why I like that the texting/IMing/tweeting/whatever is increasingly becoming a socially acceptable alternative. You're limited to 140-somewhat odd characters at a time, so you can avoid the awkward silences or exaggerated conversations phone calls seem to demand. It's impersonal, granted, but it seems to strike the right balance.
Also, it's harder to over-communicate via technology. Because the recipient of the message has the option of prioritizing not only the time it takes him or her to receive and read the communique, but also prioritizing when and how they respond. And it's not considered rude to take that time, giving the recipient time to really consider and be choosy about what they say.
I think the thing you have to be careful about is to not let the relationship suffer due to an over-reliance on technology-based communications, and work to ensure the healthy face-to-face conversations continue to occur with relative frequency and depth. The balance is dependent completely on the personalities (and schedules!) of the couple, and there isn't one universal answer.
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Now, "those" conversations. I think the reason why guys tend to avoid them is because of their seemingly spontaneous nature. We don't know they're coming. We haven't had time to consult and consider our feeling on the matter, but we are expected to actively participate in the conversation. We aren't THAT in touch with our feeling that we can access them at will, and when we try, we usually end up saying Something Stupid. You know, the Things That Get Us In Trouble. And our avoidance is not so much to avoid the conversation so much as it is to avoid digging our own graves.
I think these types of conversations would work better if the party interested in initiating them states their case (at an appropriate time or setting) and then offers to give the other party time to consider and formulate a response. This would probably help them go much smoother. "I think we should talk about moving in together. Here are the reasons why I think it would be a good idea. Please, take a few days to think about it, and I would really like to hear your thoughts and concerns. Maybe we could talk about it again on Friday over dinner."
Does that make sense?
So, to answer the last question, I think I'm a communicator if I'm initiating the conversation. Chances are, I've already put several days worth of thought into the topic to figure out just what I want to say, how I want to say it, and/or if I want to say it at all! But if it's a topic of conversation that I'm not prepared for, or otherwise ready to have, I can definitely see myself as an avoider!
My tips, to reiterate the above, are to proactively OFFER time to consider and respond, and INVITE concerns and negative feedback so it can be discussed and worked through. If you're on the other end, don't be afraid to ask for time before responding, and maybe don't continue to avoid it simply because you think the person isn't going to like your answers.
It's hard work, but anything worth having usually is!
(Sorry if my comment is longer than the post it's in response to! I guess I have a lot more to say on the matter than I thought!)
@HaterHigh I looove hearing a guy's take on this topic.
ReplyDelete@Katie Maybe it is the youngest child syndrome. I can talk your ear off in person or via text, IM, or email. If it's a serious conversation, then it's like...What am I supposed to say that will not have this all blow up horribly in my face?
Jason - You should totally be a contributor to this blog... that is definitely the most in-depth response I've ever received, and I love it!
ReplyDeleteRe: the two/three day rule... Some mystery is good, but when it goes on long enough that you've forgotten in question, that's probably the time to abandon the rule. I'm not saying that you should overcommunicate, but even just a quick thank you for a nice night out is good enough to keep a girl interested.
I *COMPLETELY* agree about bringing up issues in advance so that both people can come at it prepared. It's easier to be able to follow through with a conversation when you know what's being thrown at you, for sure. I can see myself being a communicator rather than an avoider if that were the case. Although I think I would still end up being the non-initiator. LOL. I'm working on it, I swear!
Lulu - Yes... that completely makes sense, and that's definitely how I feel, too! I gotta look into this youngest child syndrome thing a little further.
I'm a total Avoider - and I have no tips to offer. =) will be reading other responses!
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'm as bad as you, but I do know what you mean. My stratagey when I felt like that about an issue was to write a letter/email. It helped me organize my thoughts and the idea was that I'd use it just to get my thoughts together and then I'd actually talk to the guy about what was on my mind the next time I saw them. And then if I chocked, I'd go home and send the email that I'd saved as a draft. I think the trick is to always use it as a springboard to a real conversation so that you don't have one face to face relationship and one written relationship -- that can start to feel very unauthentic. So I would always end the email with: Please take some time to think about this. I'd like to talk about it sometime in the next week/few days/etc." I think you have to be careful not to always handle things like this in email only, but sometimes it can be a good way to start a conversation and also be clear about what you're trying to say so you don't come off wrong. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI should have read Jason's response first. That's kind of what I wanted to say.
ReplyDeleteJulia - I like that system a lot. I know that I definitely think things through a lot better when they're written out in front of me. And I want to try to improve my face-to-face communication... so I like your idea of writing a draft email, and only sending it if I really can't get the words out in person.
ReplyDeleteWheeeeo, so many responses!
ReplyDeleteEBCI, I think that's what I love about the blog. It's nice to come in to "The Girls Club" so to speak, and see things from their side. So if they allow me to peer through their club house window and press a glass up to their wall, the least I can do is throw in my two cents every now and again!
Katie, as fun as it would be to contribute, I'm afraid I'm better at reacting and responding. Maybe that's part of me being an avoider? I've learned to let things come to me, perhaps, and respond to them in my own way. But I did even impress myself with some of the ideas I had in the above note! I don't know what I'm going to say until I start typing and the words just seem to flow. But I agree with them all! :)
It's interesting that everyone seems to like the idea of bringing stuff up in advance, and I'd love to hear some follow up comments on how successful the tactic was or wasn't.
Julia, I think you are brilliant. Typing it out into a draft e-mail is a wise idea. It's a great way to map our your ideas and let your subconscious come to the forefront without fear of reprisal. The thing about *sending* it as an e-mail, though, is you have to be very careful not to come off cooler or harsher than you intend it to be. Without the visual clues of body language, words tend to read as very firm and aggressive. But littering the note with LOLs and emoticons may lead him to not taking you seriously.
Good chats, ladies! Let's keep 'em coming!