I'm not going to lie, I haven't always thought that way. When I was younger, I tried to guilt my boyfriend into changing. {shudder} I look back now and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I hate smoking and he smoked so I tried to ask him to quit multiple times. Guess what! It didn't work. No surprise there.
First lesson learned.... That wasn't my first lesson about change though.
The next one came with my next serious boyfriend. He smoked pot. And a lot of it. I accepted it. I didn't smoke a lot of it, but I tried to accept it and him as it was. Over time he started telling me that he would quit for me. I believed him. Nothing changed. He kept telling me he would quit smoking pot for me. He never did. End of story.
and..... another lesson learned.
You can't force someone to change and you can't take it to heart or believe it when someone says they will change for you.
The reason for this topic today is that this subject came up yesterday and really got me thinking. A guy that smokes pot on a regular basis said that if he meets the right girl, he will stop smoking pot.
Maybe I'm so out in left field, but I just do not understand the reasoning behind that! Yes, it's great that you would quit smoking, but do it for yourself, not somebody else! I never want to be in the situation again where I want somebody to change. I will accept people for who they are. I want people to accept me for myself. If I want to change, then I will change for ME. When people say they will change for others, I honestly look at them like they have 10 eyeballs on their face.
If you enjoy something about your life, why change it. Don't change to make someone else happy, unless it also makes you happy!
What are your thoughts on changing for others?
Honestly, I think this has become a cliche. Only change for yourself, etc. I think it's a good idea for the most part, but like the "he's just not that into you" idea, I think people (read: WOMEN) have taken it a bit too far. Should I lose weight for my husband? No ... not entirely. But, let's be honest ... if I did lose weight, I'd be disappointed if he didn't notice. I take pleasure in my husband finding me attractive and that is part of my motivation for wanting to lose weight.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a mistake to think someone will change for you. And if they told me they were going to, I wouldn't believe them. If I wouldn't date them unless I believe they would change, then I wouldn't date them. But if they *did* change and I was part of their motivation to do that, I'd be flattered.
Also, my parents stopped smoking pot when my mom got pregnant with me. Neither of them smoked pot again until my sister and I had both moved out of the house. That was a change they made for us. And I think it was the right thing to do. I realize that changing for your children and changing for your SO are different ... but I don't think it's *that* different. Like I said, I usually agree that people shouldn't change to please someone else. But I don't think it's an absolute and I think most women take it way too far. You should never expect someone to change for you. And you shouldn't do something that compromises your beliefs too much. But ... sometimes, I think we can/do/should bend a little for the people we love.
Was my comment deleted on purpose? I'm sorry if I offended anyone -- that wasn't my intention!
ReplyDeleteHey Julia!
ReplyDeleteI didn't delete your comment... not sure if anyone else has deleting powers. I was actually working like crazy the last few days, but when I saw the comment come through my inbox, I actually really liked what you had to say, and mostly agreed with you! Thought that was a very unique perspective! (If you'd like... I'd love for you to expand on it and post a guest blog?)
That's so weird! I wanted to reply to your post Julia, but I haven't had a chance. Weird!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to do a guest blog. Can you forward me the email of what I said in the first place to remind me? lol
ReplyDelete